Ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks
Ilsa's back! ...more fierce than ever! With brutal fury she enslaved an empire and shocked the world!
Year of Release: 1976
Running Time: 87 minutes (1:27)
Director: Don Edmonds
Dyanne Thorne ... Ilsa
Max Thayer ... Cmdr. Adam Scott
Jerry Delony ... El Sharif
Uschi Digard ... Inga Lindström
Colleen Brennan ... Nora Edward
Haji ... Alina Cordova
Tanya Boyd ... Satin
Marilyn Joi ... Velvet
Su Ling ... Katsina
Richard Kennedy ... Dr. Kaiser
George 'Buck' Flower ... Beggar
Bobby Woods ... Prince Salim
Don Edmonds ... Swordsman in Black / Sniper (uncredited)
John F. Goff ... Sheik Kalam (uncredited)
Howard Maurer ... Sheik Ahmed (uncredited)
Finding a new employer, and looking not a day older since the end of World War II, Ilsa works for an Arab Sheik who enjoys importing females to use as sex slaves. An American millionaire's daughter, a movie star, and an attractive equestrian are among his latest victims.
ilsa: Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks, the movie that reminds us that lust conquers all. Love just gets in the way an slows progress. Jews love this movie, reminds everyone how bad they had it while they were under the control of Arabs. Helps vindicate mortar attacks that don't go precisely as planned. This has gotta be the best movie starring an American pretending to be an ex-Nazi overseer that goes to work for an Arab sex slave trader to come out in 1976 so you should probably pay attention to this next part. First of all, Arabs are just as kinky an horny as everybody else, they just don't want anybody know it. So they dress their women up like nuns that look like they're about to knock over the 7 Eleven so they won't sprout a boner in public an get Muhammad all mad at 'em. I personally think Muhammad would be cool with it, he seems like an alright guy. Second, third world countries can't afford to have food that's appealing, so they go out of their way to find things that nobody in their right mind would eat, an call them local delicacies so stupid westerners will go over there an eat 'em an feel like they're experiencing another culture. More likely, the locals are trying desperately not to bust out laughing cause they've never eaten that crap in their lives an never will, cause they know better. An third, explosive diaphragms have been proven harmful by the Surgeon General. But I've got a question about harems. How come the women are always kidnapping victims? If I was gonna have my own harem, I'd have auditions. Particularly if you've got the kind of scratch these Sheiks have. You don't need to kidnap them, they'll come to you. Just put a "now hiring" sign outside the palace an there'll be a flood of women that WANT to be financially secure, as part of your harem. How well do you suppose the kidnapping victims are gonna perform anyway? They don't wanna be there, after all. An the Arabs always seem to want virgins. Now, I can see the appeal of that, you don't have to worry about whether they've got funky junk that way. But from my perspective, I'd much rather have 10 horrifically slutty women that know what they're doing. They're pros, think of the money you save on the promiscuity training courses. An even after the course, book learning is no substitute for experience, so you still come out behind. How come nobody ever asks me about this stuff, I could improve the efficiency of every system in the known world if people'd just listen to what I'm sayin'.
The movie begins with a helicopter that should be kickin' up one hell of a sand storm, but somehow isn't, in the middle of a desert somewhere in the Middle East. It's carrying a large net with several crates inside, kinda like the one Darren McGavin's major award comes in in A Christmas Story, an delivers 'em to a guy with a 50 caliber that's keepin' an eye out for rogue camels. He delivers the crates to a fancy pants palace an upon his arrival, out steps ilsa, looking hot, an not even half as dead as we left her at the end of She Wolf of the SS. As she comes out to inspect the crates, Buck Flower comes up an asks her if she's ever been with a filthy peasant before an after about a pound of her flesh crawls away she has Buck flogged. Oh Buck, wherever you are, I sure hope you're ashamed of yourself for this one. Once inside, ilsa's looking down into her crates providing exposition on who these girls are, only we're far too enamored with their exposed breasts to really pay much attention. Elsewhere, the Sheik is banging his favorite harem girl, Katsina, an trying to explain to her that he'd love to take her on business trips with him, but he's got two U.S. diplomats coming by tomorrow for brunch, an besides, how it would it look bringing his concubine with him on business? All the other Sheiks would be making ball 'n chain jokes at him an he'd have to stone her to save face. The new harem recruits don't wanna be slaves, but ilsa convinces them it'd be a good idea because if they don't she'll attach this rat cage to their groins an the rats'll chew off all their pubic hair an make a nest down there. I think they're taking this 1984 stuff way too far. Elsewhere, in route to the Sheik's pad, are the U.S. diplomats, Dr. Kaiser and Commander Adam Scott. Kaiser is essentially Henry Kissinger, an Scott is basically his muscle. Kaiser is warning Scott about ilsa, but Scott's not worried cause he saw the first movie an he knows that if he can just rock her bottom a little bit, he'll be in the clear. Back at the palace, the Sheik's a little bummed that he's gonna have to sell off his old harem, on account of the infidels coming to visit, but he's really stoked about the new recruits an figures easy come, easy go. All the while Katsina's using a giant vibrating shillelagh. Politics bore her.
Then ilsa has to head out to the front lawn because one of the soldiers was caught with one of the harem girls an she makes him fight her kung fu lesbians to the death. Or what may as well be death, cause after they kick the bejezus out of 'em each one reaches down an tears off a testicle an ilsa adds the sap to her eunuch collection. Then ilsa has the new recruits moisturized an shaved, cause if there's one thing the Sheik can't stand it's sand paper pits an calloused hand jobs. ilsa's kung fu lesbians think they should kidnap her a man, but ilsa says that'd be unnecessary, cause she's got grade A jugs an the right guy will come along some day. So then ilsa begins the training classes, only she makes 'em train on her kung fu lesbians an they're a little weirded out, so she eases the tension by helpfully shoving their faces where licking proves most effective. Then, just in case any of them were getting any silly notions of escape, one of her flunkies brings in what happened to the last girl that tried, in a sack, an empties her all over the floor. So with that situation pretty well under control, she heads down to the dungeon where the eunuchs are having trouble fattening one of the harem girls for the fetish market an they have to stuff a tube down her throat an clamp a device onto it that shovels beef gravy into the tube. Doesn't seem like the way the feeding tube was originally intended to work, but you've got to admire her ingenuity. Elsewhere, the Sheik has pulled an impromptu party out of his turban in preparation of the big auction the next day, but while the Sheik is working on his social networking skills, the palace doctor is having to patch up the girls the Sheik got a little too frisky with. Including one with Holyfield syndrome, one with nasty breast implant scars, an a third that just needs a little more junk in her trunk. He's essentially just doing the kinda stuff your average used car salesmen does. Back on the plane, the Kaiser an Scott are discussing the spy they've got at the Sheik's place, an how if she can get any incriminating audio on him, they might be able to squeeze a little more oil out of 'em. Oh an maybe save the girls he's enslaved. Ya know, if there's time.
Then ilsa feeds something that kinda looks like the Toxic Avenger down inside a pit. Next thing, the big, much hyped slave auction sequence, filled with more Italians, Hispanics, an even a black dude posing as Arabs than you can shake a stick at, most of which don't even have accents. Standard stuff, this is basically the Arab equivalent of male posturing. Over here, guys just sleep around from age 15 to 25 an the first one to acquire five STDs is declared the manliest. In the event of a tie, the guy with the longest rap sheet wins. So you can see how our cultures contrast. Then ilsa's kung fu lesbians catch the spy an ilsa sticks her in a titty vice an tells her if she doesn't start remembering who sent her they're gonna deploy the fire ants. The ants work, an once the Sheik breaks in the new recruits, they work on a plan to deal with the capitalist pigs. So ilsa an the Sheik pretend like it's just another day at the Neverland ranch, an throw a big banquet for the Americans an the Sheik offers the Kaiser his pick of the harem. But the Kaiser's married an in the annals of history, no one's ever cheated on a German woman an survived, so he abstains. Elsewhere, ilsa's put on an outfit that better displays her two enormous talents, an starts teasing Scott. But back at the table, negotiations aren't going well with the Kaiser an the Sheik, cause the Sheik is only interested in having luscious breasts around an not so much about whether his subjects starve to death. An just to put his assholery into perspective, he brings in a thief an has his hand cut off in front of the whole party. As this is going on, ilsa shows Scott what she claims the guy stole, which is the listening device his spy was previously using. Then the Sheik gives the Kaiser a sheep's eye to eat, to show what an honored guest he is, only the camera cuts away an shows the spy, in chains, with one less eye than biology dictates she have. Then ilsa's kung fu lesbians fuzzy rub in front of Scott for awhile, but he's not interested cause he wants the real deal. Later that evening, the Kaiser is extremely impressed with himself after choking down the "sheep's" eye an gets down with his bad self in front of the mirror, only his back makes a sound like someone just twisted a celery stalk an he hobbles around with the achy breaky back. Then a male teenager comes in an tells 'em the Sheik assigned him to take care of his needs.
Once the Kaiser puts two an two together he's appalled an starts fuming cause the Sheik thinks he's ein poofter. High five Sheik, that's hilarious. But the boy won't leave, claiming the Sheik will have him beheaded if he doesn't do his thang, an the Kaiser starts to feel bad for 'em an gets this "ah what the hell" look on his face an we cut away. Elsewhere, Scott's having to get rough with ilsa cause he don't like it when women play hard to get, only she don't play hard to get for very long an pretty soon she's playing got the hard. It's been a long time since she's been with a man. The next morning, Scott tells the Kaiser he's gonna hang around a little longer an see if he can't hit that a couple more times an maybe get some espionage type work done too. Ya know, if there's time. But down in the lab, ilsa's putting the final touches on the spy. She implants an explosive diaphragm inside the woman's hoo haa an she an the Sheik get behind a splatter shield after she turns on the hydrolic Tom Savini. That's sex machine, for those of you that dunno. Apparently, the device triggers at climax, an they realize they probably should have put up a window instead of just a wire screen as the viscera splatters all over 'em. But as one of my idols, Joe Bob Briggs has stated countless times, violence is only wrong if it's not "necessary to the plot." An this is, cause ilsa wants to implant one of these in a harem girl an send her over to the jerk next door as a gift. The Sheik loves the idea, an tells her to make it so. Serious innovation on the suicide bombing concept. So they sedate Katsina an get the device in her, an the Sheik tells ilsa he's tired of having the infidel around an she'd better take care of him pronto. Then Isle does the nekkid squat thrust with Scott again. The next morning, a local rebel Ginsu-es the guard at the gate, scales it, an tries to cap the Sheik as he's getting familiar with one of his new girls. Only he misses an takes out the Sheik's expensive new toy an he's mega pissed, so they catch the guy, poor oil on him, break out the marshmallows an put the torch to him. Scott is appalled, APPALLED that the Sheik would do that, but not quite appalled enough to give up on ilsa's volleyballs. But the Sheik is super serious this time an when ilsa doesn't kill Scott by the following morning, he sends in the Arab version of the Gestapo an hauls the both of 'em off for rehabilitation, and eradication. We'll cut it here to avoid spoiling the big finish. Not to be confused with all the other smaller finishes earlier in the movie.
The second offering in the ilsa series is extremely tame when compared with the original. An the reason for that is that these silly people got the idea into their heads that maybe they could get this thing into some theaters if they could stop torturing people so much an keep the rape down to a dull roar. Strangely, it worked. At first I just thought I had a butchered version of the movie, but no, this is what they came up with. Now I don't wanna seem like a horrible person, at least not anymore than usual, but without those things, what is this? It's basically been reduced to a titty movie. If we're not seeing horribly disgusting images that make us wanna puke all over the sofa, I'd just as soon watch horror movies with some genuine production value. All the horrifying shock value's been sucked out of this sequel an after seeing the original, this just comes off as extremely watered down. When I watch an exploitation movie I want what little faith I have in the decency of humanity destroyed with a ten ton hammer. Titties are no substitution, they just ensure we actually watch until the credits roll. I thought this disgusting production crew had some integrity. Now that I've gotten that out of my system, it's not unwatchable, it's just a big disappointment if you've seen the first one. The first one is certainly not the kind of movie you enjoy watching, but when it's over you feel like there was actually a message in there, that there was a reasonable amount of production value, an that the people working on it gave a damn. Fantastic as they may be, you can't make a movie based upon the strength of Dyanne Thorne's breasts alone. In this movie you don't really even find too many instances in which you think of her as a revolting monster, sure she does a few distasteful things, but in this movie we're not given enough reason to hate her, which is not only disappointing but ultimately castrates any effectiveness to shock that it does have. I mean, she's not completely moved into say, Jigsaw or Hannibal Lecter territory, where we end up identifying with the villain an rooting for them, but still, this just doesn't feel right.
As for the specifics, pretty good shooting locations, about as well crafted as you can expect with a low budget exploitation film that was filmed at least 5000 miles from the Middle East. The sets look like at least what we Americans expect Arabian palaces to look like. Which is about as accurate as the Japanese people perceive Americans to be, but just the same, it works. The palace, the dungeon and a few shots that were probably filmed in the California desert so there could be a hint of sand in the movie. Although I honestly have no idea where they shot it. But it gets a pass, not bad. The acting is... it's okay. They wisely didn't give many lines to the harem girls, a couple of them spent most of their careers in the porn industry, if that gives you an idea about how well giving them speaking lines would have gone. They've got big melons, an that's all we need from them. Dyanne Thorne is still great as ilsa, additionally you've got a few other guys returning from the original movie, in different roles, of course. Richard Kennedy returns here as Dr. Kaiser, he played the General in the original. Uschi Digard, the girl in the pressure chamber in the original, she's one of the new recruits. Buck Flower of course, one of my favorites, and John Goff as well. So interesting to see that many return. Confusing, to see that many return. I don't imagine it was a big boon to their careers.
The soundtrack, little as it ever plays, is silly. But realistically, the movie has a lot of black humor and has its silly moments anyway. The scene where Richard Kennedy's character has been offered the boy as a sex servant is hilarious. The level of offense he takes at the idea that the Sheik thinks he's gay is comedy gold. It's not the fact that he's being offered a teen as a sex object that offends him, it's that the guy thinks he's gay. Brilliant. So the soundtrack is essentially irrelevant. I didn't care for it, but it doesn't cause any real damage. The special effects are decent enough, there's honestly not a great deal of blood in general, particularly compared to the original movie, but what there is isn't bad. Good enough, another passing grade. The plot suffices, it's a believable next step for the ilsa character, considering where she's been and what she's done. And getting along pretty well for someone that was shot up into Swiss cheese at the end of the first movie. It'll work. Willingly watching the sequel, knowing she should be dead, and then complaining about it seems extraordinarily stupid. Overall, it's pretty bad. It suffers for the lack of even the tiniest ounce of redeeming social value, and for the lack of explicit violence. It disappoints both the intellectual trying to find a positive message, as well as the gore hound trying to avoid finding one. Check it out only if you're extremely desperate to see breasts, or if you're a die hard ilsa fan.