Ilsa: The Tigress of Siberia
Bloodthirsty! Cruel! Vindictive! A Holocaust of hatred!
Year of Release: 1977
Running Time: 92 minutes (1:32)
Director: Jean LaFleur
Dyanne Thorne ... Ilsa
Michel Morin ... Andrei Chikurin
Jean-Guy Latour ... Gregory
Anne Marie Guenette
Terrance P. Coady
Howard Maurer ... Soldier in Gulag camp, one of Ilsa's lovers
A tigress indeed, ilsa (Dyanne Thorne) is the commander of a communist Siberian gulag and the embodiment of evil. She delights in torturing political prisoners and feeding them to her tiger, among many other equally vicious acts of suffering she inflicts upon her victims. Unaffected by the brutality she doles out, ilsa remains a buxom goddess in need of erotic pleasures. From the frozen waste of Siberia to the metropolis of North America, ilsa blazes a path to infamy!
ilsa: The Tigress of Siberia. The movie that reminds us that evil people are all basically the same, and as long as you do good work, a guy like Stalin won't mind if you were under the employ of Hitler at one time or another. Dictators are real understanding like that. Entrepreneurs hate this movie. Like ilsa in the movie, they too had to scrape an scrounge for everything they've got, maybe get involved in a little blackmail, if things get real desperate manipulate people into handing over their share of the market to you. But really the movie came from Canada, where they practice a certain degree of socialism, so is this really such a big deal? So you jack around the mafia a little bit, they have so much, an you have so little. They'll never miss it. Then what happens? You finally start doing well for yourself, you've turned the corner, pulled the company out of the red, then the creditors come. If it's not the IRS or the banks, it's the god damn Rooskies. Is that guy STILL mad about you butchering his son in a gulag camp? For fucks sake, that was like 20 years ago. We've moved on, why can't he? Anyway, the point is, it's tough out there for the small business owner, an this movie, well... it just kinda bums them out to see ilsa's operation get the shaft like that. So anyhow, as the best movie to come out of Canada in 1977 starring Dyanne Thorne's breasts, you just might wanna stay tuned for this next part. First important thing, no matter how gay or principled you might be, never under any circumstances, refuse amazing breasts. Women who have them are well aware of their splendor, and do not handle rejection well. Second, mafia Dons are no match for half a dozen minions and a machine that makes you hallucinate scary scenarios. I know you might think the Don would just call for backup an have the offenders marginalized, I would have thought so too until I saw the movie, so don't make that mistake twice.
An third, it's a pretty bad idea to screw your hooker with the curtains open right in front of a window. It's an even worse idea if you're a mafia Don an there's a good chance some people want you dead. An it's an unbelievably bad idea when someone's filled the water bed with gasoline. But what I wanna talk about is an issue the movie brought up that I feel doesn't get enough attention these days in the media. Now, anytime there's a public shooting, the media is there, making sure we know that guns are a terrible idea an that if we can just get them banned, crime will basically come to an end. An that's all well an good, but I have to disagree with them. In the movie, I think we've got almost as many people impaled by spears as we do gunfire, but do you ever see the media warn us about this menace? No. Matter of fact you don't. All this time, this danger has been lurking just under the radar an nobody in the press bothers to warn us. We look to these people to know what we should think and feel about any given situation, but are they REALLY looking out for our best interests if they can let something this significant slip through the cracks? I think it's high time we got some legislation through the congress to get something done about this. The worst part is, ANYONE can make these things, so you have no clue when some guy's gonna pop out from behind an oak tree in the park an harpoon your ass. This is a serious problem, an I think the only way this situation is ever gonna get any attention is if we, the people, call our congressmen an tell them we're sick of living in terror of the next spear attack. We can't eat, we can't sleep, we've got to wear Kevlar vests just to start the car in the morning. What kind of life is that? We don't have to put up with this, we're Americans, damnit. So I'd advise all of you to get the word out to anyone that'll listen, an if they won't listen, poke 'em with a stick so they can see what a serious problem this is. You have the power to stop the madness, but nothing will ever change until action is taken.
The movie begins with a couple commies chasing down an escaped prisoner with spears. At least, as well as you can chase somebody on horseback in two feet of snow. Then all of a sudden the guy gets the ole javelin lobotomy, compliments of the ageless Dyanne Thorne who looks just as good in an Ushanka as she does in a Nazi officer's cap. So after they dislodge the spear from his tonsils, ilsa an the boys drag his sorry butt back to the gulag camp an smash his head into Welch's jam with a sledgehammer right in front of everybody just so they understand who they're dealin' with. Elsewhere, some more commies are bringing in some fresh meat via horse drawn carriage. Inside the carriage are a political prisoner that's gettin' locked up cause he was talkin' bad about Papa Joe, an the son of a prominent general who ain't the least bit concerned cause he figures his daddy will have him sprung in no time. So upon their arrival, ilsa welcomes the new guests an promises that she's gonna make them love Big Brother or butcher them tryin'. She's that dedicated. Then a miniature riot breaks out an the guards have to shoot a whole lotta uppity prisoners that've really had it with the working conditions. You can make 'em eat cabbage stew every day, an you can make 'em chop wood til their arms turn to jello, but when you take away a man's Victory brand Vodka, by God you've crossed the line. But ilsa don't care none, fact is she SPITS on that line. So once she figures out which of the asshats started the riot she sticks 'em in the cage above the tiger pit an rings the dinner bell. After the tiger gets done picking bits of commie out of her teeth, ilsa an her band of merry men head inside an do the Mamushka for awhile until she strips down to her nightie an the guys all beat the tar outta each other until two of 'em can't stand up no more. The two guys that're left are the winners, an they get to tag team ilsa. The next morning, ilsa gets up, puts on her fur an gets off the cock an back on the clock. She's gotta go check on the camp torturer to see if the prisoner (Andrei) has hopped on the Stalin band wagon yet. But Andrei is strangely resistant to the electric chair an the torturer just keeps givin' him more juice every time he says Joe's a big sissy who wears his mama's bra. ilsa wants this guy cracked, an she doesn't care if they have to cause a brownout in Moscow to make it happen, so she tells the torturer to get his shit together.
Then she heads out to the frozen lake an starts dunkin' guys that're bein' big babies about their pneumonia til they quit their complainin'. Back at the camp, it's chow time. But two of the guys that apparently missed the skull splattering earlier start fighting over a chunk of bread an pretty quick ilsa sets up a duel, lumberjack style. She has her commie goons drag the two guys inside an makes them arm wrestle while the commie goons hold a chain saw at either end of the table til one of 'em gets a cramp an before he can call time out the other guy muscles 'em over an pretty quick he's a Poulan amputee. The downside is, now he's useless an so the commies have no recourse but to saw him up into Purina premium tiger chow. After the dinner theater's over, the commies have another competition to determine plowing rights, an the winners of the drinking/punching contests get to rock ilsa's bottom. The next day, ilsa's trying to send a transmission over to headquarters, only the line seems to be down an she has to send one of her cronies to see what the deal is. Meanwhile, the torturer still hasn't gotten Andrei to say uncle, so ilsa figures maybe if she rubs her chi chis in his face a little bit he'll come around, only it don't work an he ends up callin' her a nasty ho an now she doesn't care so much about making him love Stalin as she does watching him wrestle the tiger. Once Andrei's in the cage, the flunkie returns an oh snap, that's not good at all. Seems Papa Joe kicked off an the country's up to it's eyeballs in revolution an ilsa has to round up all the prisoners so she can torch the place before anyone finds out about it. Some of the prisoners try to run, but they all get gunned down before you can say "comrade" an when everything is said an done, the place is torched, an only Andrei, with the help of the general's son passing him a shovel while he was wrestling Tony the tiger, has survived. Andrei vows to avenge the general's son, an he watches as ilsa an her two surviving flunkies ride off into the snowset. Next thing you know it's 24 years later an we're in Montreal cause the production crew was tired of pretending to be filming in Russia. Andrei is now the coach for the Russians at the Montreal Olympics, an since there hasn't been a sex scene in damn near 6 minutes he takes a couple guys from the team down to the red light district of down town Montreal.
Bad news though, cause ilsa's also in Montreal, an she recognizes him from the closed circuit tv monitors she's got in her pad an she's about to remind him whose whorehouse this is. So while Andrei's buddies pound the whores, ilsa's goons pound Andrei an drag his hind end out to ilsa's pad. She's still sore about him refusing to motor boat her, an she's gonna finish the job on him cause due to advances in technology, her torturer has rigged up a machine that can figure out what people are afraid of for exploitation purposes, as they demonstrate on a girl that's scared of having lizards crawl on her an leave dirty little lizard prints on her melons. The machine is so good that ilsa's got some Italian Don to give her all his worldly possessions an beat feet down to Florida just so she don't hook 'em up to the machine again an simulate a lifetime without pasta. Unfortunately, ilsa's not known for her honesty an her twat stickers bring the Don out to her place, instead of the airport. Then she makes 'em seal him in an oil drum an drop him in their ice fishing hole, only the fishes can't get no sleep, what with all that screaming goin' on. So then ilsa goes back in the house an nails a couple of her goobs again while the torturer hooks Andrei up to the machine an finds out that he's afraid of zombie ilsa biting off his wiener. Meanwhile, in Russia, Andrei's buddies can't convince the general that Andrei defected when he didn't show up for the flight home, so the general sends in a couple guys to find him. The commie spies head into ilsa's house of poon an start questioning the hookers, only ilsa sees what's goin on an sends in her comrades to break it up before the spy can even get his $40 worth out of the hooker an they give him a booster shot, then bury him in the snowbank. Unfortunately, it's about time for the gigantic snow blower to come by, an it scoops him up an turns him into a pot of tomato borscht an splatters him all over Ste. Catherine street. But while this was happening, the other spy tapped into ilsa's relay system an somehow got a shot of her back to the general in Russia an when he sees who it is he's super pissed an assembles a squad of badass Russian assassins that all dress like the white guy in Spy vs. Spy an sends them out to settle her hash. Cause he knows who she is an he saw what she did to his son all those years ago back in the gulag. We'll cut it here, if you wanna see how ilsa an company fare against the Russian assassins that dress like Klansmen, you'll have to watch for yourself.
For the life of me I cannot figure out if this is the 3rd or 4th in the ilsa series. Technically, the other movie is called "Wanda, the Wicked Warden" and just stars Dyanne Thorne in the same type role. And while Wikipedia lists Tigress as the 3rd in the series, I've seen a few reviews that refer to Tigress as the 4th. It's not really too important, though I prefer to do watch them in the proper order. With the ilsa movies it's probably less important than most franchises, considering she generally ends up dead or in a predicament that she has virtually no chance of escaping near the end. Suffice it to say they're really all just stand alone movies with the same character. Whether it's the 3rd or 4th I can't say, what I can say is, at this point in the series, it's almost completely made the transition into softcore porn with a moderate amount of gore. Anyone that liked the first movie really should just stop there unless they're anal retentive completists like myself, cause after the first movie, they really go to hell. As I mentioned in the Harem Keeper review, fantastic as they are, they cannot make a movie on the strength of Dyanne Thorne's breasts without something else to supplement them. Supple. Breasts. And like Herem, that part's missing. Now I'll grant that there's a lot more of Dyanne's breasts in this one, but if it was even possible, they've somehow sucked even more of the violence out of this one than they sucked out of Herem. What we're left with is sex scenes, and waiting on the next sex scene, the violence is pathetic and not worthy of the name "ilsa." These clowns aughta be ashamed of themselves. I didn't think it was possible, but this one's actually more disappointing than Herem. I guess this is a good example of what happens when the crew sells out an tries to appeal to a wider audience. They figure the fans of the original will watch it regardless, an maybe if they raise the breast count an shave off all the brutality, they'll make some money. That didn't work with Herem when they butchered it to get an R rating, an it's not working here. Words fail me. What happened to you guys' integrity?
Well anyway, I guess we can go over the elements point by point, like it matters. The plot isn't too bad, it's thinned out a little bit with each sequel, but this one doesn't shrink in relation to Herem anymore than Herem shrunk from She Wolf. So with those low standards in mind, I see nothing worth complaining about in the plot, although it probably would have been a better movie if it'd remained in 1953 Russia the entire time, rather than transitioning to 1977 Canada. The acting is adequate for an ilsa movie. It's not fantastic, but it doesn't need to be, an with a budget this size, you don't wanna be blowing it on anyone with a big name anyway, you need that cash for more important things. I'll summarize the people that interest me and why, briefly: Michel-Rene Labelle and Terry Haig (Happy Birthday to Me), Kirk McColl and Tony Angelo (Rabid), Terrance Coady (Visiting Hours, Scanners) and Sonny Forbes (Scanners, They Came from Within). So I'll give it a pass on the acting as well, despite some dialog that even Mel Gibson's acting skill couldn't bring to life at times. The shooting locations aren't too bad. I think it would have been better if there'd been more sequences in which snow was actually falling to give it a more bitter feeling, but in general, it's got snow, an there's really nothing that makes it clear to the casual observer that this is Canada and not Russia. When they're supposed to be in Russia, of course. The shots in Canada when it's actually supposed to be Canada are better than the Russian sequence. So nothing special, but nothing truly damning. The soundtrack, pathetic as it seems, is probably one of the better aspects. It's nothing fancy, and they do have a tendency to play the same tracks more than they ought to, but it kinda reminded me of the scores Joe LoDuca made for the first two Evil Dead movies, an that's about the nicest compliment I'm going to be giving this. The special effects were acceptable, for the most part, although the spear through the snowmobiler near the end of the movie where it's extremely obvious that it's just two segments, and that he's holding one under his arm to represent the portion that's coming out his back, is simply unacceptable. This kind of effect is not hard to do. At all. I'm not surprised to see that the guy working the special effects' career went nowhere. The rest of the effects aren't too bad, but nor are they that difficult to pull off. Overall, it's a second large drop off in quality, following the series from start to finish. This is one you'll only wanna watch if you're a completist, or a huge fan of Dyanne Thorne's melons. On a parting note, you may be amused to know that Ivan Reitman and Roger Corman were uncredited producers on this one. Alas, IMDB blew their cover.